Rantings of a Wife and Mother (Beware Long Blog Ahead)

When I started my blog it was with the intent to share with friends and family the things that were going on my life. I thought it might be an enjoyable and cathartic way to vent some of my feelings every now and then. Today is one of those days!

Lately I have been feeling very overwhelmed with being a wife and a mother! The thought has crossed my mind several times in the last 2 weeks "who the heck signed me up for this!" Then like a slap in the face I realize that I signed myself up for these things! Most times I love being both a wife and a mom, but life has thrown us some curves lately!

As many of you already know, Ben had back surgery in May and since then has had some sort of post op infection that the doctors have no idea where it is coming from. He has been getting night fevers, chills, loss of appetite, and increased pain for some time now. Really my frustration has been building since he blew out his disc in February. Do to pain and lack of mobility Ben hasn't been the same man I married almost 5 years ago. We haven't had fun like we used to and it has taken it's toll on both of us. We are a committed couple, and I know we can get through anything together. I really think part of my frustration now is all my emotions from his surgery and hospital stay are starting to hit me. Ben almost died...my husband, my best friend, the father of my beautiful baby almost died. He got over dosed on narcotics and almost stopped breathing. I don't think I have fully processed that! And now he has some sort of infection that isn't getting better and no one can figure out where it is coming from. He isn't out of the woods yet, and I'm scared. He has felt better the last couple of days, but we have been here before. We are getting referred up to Boise to an infectious disease specialist who can hopefully figure out where this infection is and get it taken care of! I am cautiously optimistic that this doctor may have the answers we need and Ben can get to feeling like himself again. In the mean time, Ben is being a trooper and helping with the house and the baby as much as he can. And I'm lucky that most of the time it is more than a lot of men help when they are healthy! I just love him so much want him feeling well again.

If all this wasn't enough to deal with we have Jace! 12 weeks old and getting bigger. He has his own problem though...the poor kid can't eat anything. He refused to breast feed so that is out and after going to Florida and having no schedule I have dried up. Next regular formula...no go! The poor kid would eat and scream for 1-3 hours strait! His tummy was so upset and there was nothing we could do for him. So on to lacto-free formula...again no go! We had similar results maybe a little less severe than regular formula, but he was definitely not happy. So we figured out he has a milk allergy that he will hopefully grow out of. Our next option was soy formula...Very hopeful that this could be the answer he did well on it for awhile. He was still spitting up like he was before, but he was happy. Slowly he started spitting up more and more and developing a rash on his head. After further research it appears the may have a sensitivity to soy! Are you kidding me! On to Similac Alimentum~ $25 a can. Great! Oh what this is a no go as well! The poor kid was refluxing like a crazy person. Almost every time he would spit up he would scream in pain. We finally went to the doctor and he got put on Prevacid. The doctor said if the prevacid seemed to be working we should put him back on a formula like Similac Sensitive. Well we tried that and it was puke city! He only had one bottle of that and I think he threw the entire thing up. Our last resort is nutramigen! So we started that last night and so far we have had no puke! Again I'm cautiously optimistic that this may be the answer! We also tried to switch bottles on him and he wasn't having that whatsoever!

Now I think I could deal with one or the other of these problems, but both is overwhelming me! I feel guilty when I have feelings like leaving Jace with Ben and getting the hell out of Dodge for a few days. I just want someone to take care of me for a little bit! Ben wishes he could and feels guilty over being sick and I hate that he feels that way. To top it off I start back to work in 2 weeks and that will only make life more complicated!

Maybe tomorrow I will write a gratitude list...today it just feels good to vent and be heard. Thanks all for sticking by me...your support is greatly needed and greatly appreciated!